Why You Should Not Force Children to Apologize (also discusses forced apologies in abusive narcissistic families)

Note: this is part of a series:

1. Why you should always apologize to your child when you hurt him or her (avoiding trauma in your child)

2. This post: Why You Should Not Force Children to Apologize (also discusses forced apologies in abusive narcissistic families)

more posts to follow 

Since this blog is about abuse, I will be talking about the difference between the healthy "prodding" of children to be empathetic (and therefor remorseful) when they have done something wrong versus strong-arming, threats, blaming and shaming typical of abusive parents to get children to apologize to people they probably should not be apologizing to.

The following articles are written for parents who are invested in "healthy parenting", who want to be the best models of healthy parents for their children, and who, through "healthy parenting tips", have kids who are "genuinely empathetic" and capable of heart-felt apologies.

If you have children who don't apologize for what the parent sees as "obvious transgressions and wrong-doings", usually something is either going on with the child, or with the parent, but most of the time the reasons are intricately linked in the relationship between the parent and the child.

While there are some exceptions like conditions and disorders that can make a child unempathetic, most of those conditions would mean the child having an unempathetic approach all of the time, in almost all situations (and becoming part of the personality). All children but future psychopaths are born with empathy. If empathy goes away over time, there is a reason for it (environmental reasons tied to how they were parented is usually the most common).

In some cases autistic children can present as appearing unempathetic, but on the inside of the child there is so much empathy and they feel others pain so deeply that they freeze (here is another link to another article on that phenomenon).

For the sake of this post, I will be discussing both the healthy style of parenting (where communication lines are open, judgments about what happened are kept open too, and empathy is calmly discussed) versus the unhealthy style of parenting (where parents push and strong arm their children to apologize, threaten or punish their child if an apology is not given, all with a lot of rage, blaming, shaming and impulsive judgments which are rigid).

But first we get to the health tips for parents who bend towards healthy resolutions with their kids.

You will notice in these articles that most psychologists strongly advise parents not to force children to apologize, but that apologies (which boil down to an outward expression of empathy) are best when authentically felt and expressed by the child. Many psychologists' advice is to talk to children more about empathy than a singular apology. Also the most long lasting impression for a child is seeing his or her parent making apologies, making amends, talking openly about how they have hurt or overlooked another person, and showing how they want to resolve it. Children learn from example more than from words.

I saw some parents once telling their kids to stop swearing once in this way: "Shut your f*cking trap! I told you both to stop swearing now! I mean it, you little sh#ts!"

Needless to say it doesn't work. The parents are now dead and the kids, in their fifties, still swear most of the time (every other word is a swear word in all their family get-togethers, but they mostly don't swear while out in public unless they are irate about something). So it is like the parents might as well have been talking to a brick wall in terms of the impact they made with their words on the kids.

It's the same with empathy: "You need to be sensitive to other people's feelings, you rotten, no-good  child! If you can't apologize to me right now (and I mean right now!) for crying in that store, you're going to get a good spanking on your little bottom when we get home! You want a sore bottom? You are really going to have something to cry about then! In fact, I hope you cry all night long! And it will hurt like Hell! You asked for it! You're going to get it good!" - A parent who talks this way is teaching the opposite of empathy. They are teaching cruelty. And the hypocrisy is rampant!

What is more, children can detect hypocrisy as young as seven years old, and furthermore, they know that it is wrong. You cannot fool children to do as you say and to ignore what you do. While we think of teens as having lost respect for their parents, young children can lose respect for a parent too. The parent will have a very hard time winning respect back once it is lost. Trying to force a child with commands to respect you because you are their parent does not work either. 

In this article by the online magazine "Fatherly" (written by Virginia Pelley) children want respect as much and as deeply as adults do:
The crux of the matter, however, is that parents who complain about kids being disrespectful often treat their kids with disrespect, says John Petersen, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in South Bend, Indiana ... 

... A helpful way to think of respect for you as a parent is to strive for cooperation, not compliance, Petersen says. When you’re ready to head out with your kid to do errands, for example, it can be trying to say calmly, “I know you’re having fun with your toy right now, so take another minute to play with it, but then we have to go pick up your sister at practice,” instead of, “Put it down and let’s go, now.” But the payoff is a kid who knows how to show respect for others ...

... You’re going to make mistakes. All parents do. You can mitigate the damage to your family relationships with an apology that makes them feel heard and understood, Petersen says.
First, ask your family what the experience was like for them. Listen, honor their emotional experience and summarize what they expressed, he suggests. Even if you see the situation differently, talk about what you’re prepared to do so it doesn’t happen again. 

In order to have a healthy approach to teaching your child how to have empathy and how to apologize, think about yourself as someone who is on stage in front of someone who is really impressionable (your child), and they are watching everything you do, and may very well be normalizing what you do too. If they are critical thinkers, they may not approve of everything you do even though you are their parent (it is actually natural for them to have different perspectives than you about your behavior: you cannot expect to be thought of as an exemplary parent throughout your life, and if you aren't narcissistic, you won't become enraged about that fact either - which is to say that narcissists become enraged at the thought that they aren't perceived as being "wonderful" or "better than other parents").

Parents should always understand that if they are critical, analytical and discerning of how other people behave, their children will probably be too. Likewise if you are critical of your children, they will probably be critical of you (even if they do it behind your back). Narcissists want to have the entitlement to criticize others on steroids while never being criticized themselves. Good luck with that.

Apologies will work the same way. Healthy approaches to apologies are about you, the parent, modeling good apologies towards a person or people you have hurt and want to make amends to.

If you are a child abuse survivor and reading this, realize that growing up in an environment where you were expected to apologize too much and too often, but never or rarely saw your parent apologize, it is crazy-making. These are really not teaching moments. I go into how it effects children when I flesh out the section for child abuse survivors below (recognizing what you went through and the symptoms you may have as a result of your upbringing). 

Following are the articles on healthy ways to help kids understand the impact they have on others. Note: I could not find a single article that suggested forced apologies were good parenting practices. 

After these articles, I talk about why abusers have such a hard time taking the healthy approaches as stated in these articles. But for the rest of us, I hope these articles (most of them written by experts in the field of child psychology) make sense:

Parents: Take a timeout before you force your child to apologize - by Laura Bailey from The University of Michigan

excerpt:

... Parents who force unremorseful kids to apologize to others before they’re truly sorry may do more harm than good.
That’s because the main point of an apology—to express remorse and repair relationships—is lost because children may dislike the apologizer even more after the insincere apology than before. Children know when you mean you’re truly sorry.
The new study from the University of Michigan looked at whether children distinguish between willingly given and coerced expressions of remorse—and they do ...
... “Coercing your child to apologize is going to backfire. Other kids don’t view that apologizer as likable. The teachable element of having the child apologize has gone away and the goal of the apology prompt—to help your child express remorse, soothe someone else’s hurt feelings and make your child more likable—is lost.” (quote by Craig Smith, research investigator at the U-M Center for Human Growth and Development).
How can parents help their young children respond with empathy after they’ve upset another person, and ultimately deliver a willing apology?
“When your child is calm, help them see how the other person is feeling, and why,” Smith said. “An apology is one way to do it, but there are lots of ways. Research shows that even preschoolers value it when a wrongdoer makes amends with action. Sometimes this is more powerful than words.”

Children Are Wired For Empathy And Insisting On Apologies Is Not Necessary - by Adriadne Brill

excerpt of the headlines in the article:

* Children are Wired for Empathy

* A Child’s Apology Might Not Look Like One At All

* Going Beyond Just “I am Sorry”

* How to Teach Children To Say Sorry Without Insisting on Forced Apologies

* Creating opportunities for Children To Learn How to Make Amends
   1.Listen with Curiosity

   2. Avoid Blame (talks about having a blame free home)

   3.Activate Empathy

   4.Patience and Flexibility ("A rushed sorry is not nearly as valuable than thought out way apology")

   5. Notice the Sincere Apologies

   6. Model Making Amends (i.e. model apologies to others and your children)

* The Take Away

   "When it comes to helping children learn to say sorry, remember that more valuable than the words our children use, it is what they take away from each moment".

Why you shouldn’t force children to apologize - by Alison Bowen for the Chicago Tribune

excerpt:

In his latest research, released Nov. 19 in the Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, Smith and his co-authors found kids were aware when apologizers were coerced and didn’t like that — for them or the recipient.
Parents often urge children to immediately apologize, he said. And although that is not out of bad intentions, it can be counterproductive. Other children see a lack of authenticity, and a child forced to apologize is learning to feign remorse.
“One of the reasons I think we do it, with apologies, is because it’s a really accepted script that we use; it’s really almost an expected script,” he said. “We want to prepare them to be successful socially, and part of what that entails is being able to make amends.”

... The researchers wanted to explore whether children are sensitive to the fact that some apologies do not convey true remorse. Even young children, Smith noted, understand that an apology is a way of showing that someone feels bad about something. “They understand that if a victim gets an apology, they’re typically going to feel better than a victim who did not get an apology.” ...

Chiding your kids publicly to apologize can make them less 'likable.' Here's why. (Maybe you both need a time-out) - by Robby Berman for Big Think

excerpt:

A new study finds that making children apologize can make things worse.
When kids say fake "sorry" their victims dislike them even more.
Children respond most positively when regret is sincere.
"You did what? You apologize right now!"
That may be the sound of a grownup making a mistake. According to new research published by the University of Michigan this year, forcing a child to apologize when they don't mean it usually does more harm than good.
"Coercing your child to apologize is going to backfire," says the study's author, Craig Smith, of the University's Center for Human Growth and Development. "Other kids don't view that apologizer as likable. The teachable element of having the child apologize has gone away and the goal of the apology prompt — to help your child express remorse, soothe someone else's hurt feelings and make your child more likable — is lost."

Should Parents Make Their Children Apologize? (This is what decades of research say about children and apologies - by Denise Cummins Ph.D.

excerpt:

... Should parents insist that children apologize when they cause intentional or unintentional harm to another? The evidence seems to indicate the following practical course of action:
1. Encourage young children to apologize to each other because it will help mend hurt feelings, and very young children don't seem to distinguish between prompted apologies and spontaneous apologies.
2. As children reach elementary school age, spontaneous apologies have more impact, so parents should think twice about whether and how to prompt apologies. If your child's apology doesn't seem sincere, it will have less impact in mending broken relationships.
3. Offers to make restitution not only heal hurt feelings, they also make the repair to broken relationships. Parents can be helpful in making suggestions of how children can make up for the damage or hurt they caused either intentionally or unintentionally ...

There are many more articles on this subject, but they more or less say the same thing in different ways.

As you can see, most of these approaches are anti-authoritarian. The authoritarian approach is: "You MUST apologize!" And in cruel, punishing abusive families it is: "You MUST apologize or there will be dire consequences for you including our cruelty."

IF YOU HURT OR WHIP THE CHILD

DOES HE BEHAVE AND APOLOGIZE?

THE ABUSIVE APPROACH TO GETTING A CHILD TO APOLOGIZE
AND THE EFFECTS TO THE CHILD

One of the things people learned back in the olden times when torture devices and torture chambers were all the rage is that it did not necessarily work in getting the truth out of victims (if the prosecutor and the monarch were looking for the truth). The thing it tended to get out of victims is what the torturer wanted to hear - and it was done mainly to get the torture to stop. So a lot of people ratted on people who were innocent. Even the victim might be innocent. So you and the innocent people you ratted on might go to the stake or chopping block or get drawn and quartered. 

One of the reasons why America adopted "innocent until proven guilty" was because they had the foresight to reject these practices. 

Killing innocents probably did not move monarchs to much regret in these circumstances because the people who worshiped them ("Our Great Leader") were brainwashed to seeing them as close to God (and God's perceptions and benevolence). Also, there were so many documents to sign and court intrigues that the monarch often made hasty decisions just because he or she was overwhelmed by so many of them. There were also "persuasions" to listen to by cabinet members. If you killed a lot of innocent people, it was the cost of doing business, and you could find the real people responsible eventually and kill them too. 

And, of course, you had to find a few others who might be perceived as getting out of hand and kill them at the same time. Rebellions were not allowed and monarchs never thought much about the why part of rebellions. That got some of the monarchs killed themselves (the last Russian Czar comes to mind). 

For all intents and purposes, child abusers act like corrupt implacable monarchs. Like monarchs, they expect to be flattered. They will go into a rage if you don't flatter them. That is because there is an assumed hierarchy. They expect that you will follow their orders and conform even if the orders are clearly not to your benefit and cruelly designed. It is watered down monarchy, typically referred to as "authoritarian parents". 

Parents should never have been allowed to have as much power as they do. In the present legal system, if you want to make your underage child a slave to you and a whipping boy for everything that goes wrong in the life of the parent, or in the family, you can pretty much get away with it, especially if you home school or otherwise indoctrinate your children.

And a lot of psychologists think that after these child abuse victims have been damaged by years and years of this treatment that therapy can heal these victims.

But the problem should not look like this. It is really like this:

"You get to do anything you want to your child (and be sure to home school so there will be no eyes on the situation), be abusive, invalidating, cruel, scary and unhinged, and destroy your kid as much as you can ... because when he or she is 18, or 25, or 38, he or she might discover they were abused and seek therapy from us. Then we may be able to heal the child." - it is just wrong. It's like saying "Drive down the highway any old way you want, in which ever lane you want, and even recklessly, flex your 'freedom muscles', even drive drunk if you choose, and anyone that you hit? We'll be there for therapy for them."

There is a reason why we, as a society, should not expose people (and especially children) to danger. And yet, children under 12 are beaten a lot more than adults, are abandoned more than adults, they are raped quite a bit more more than adults, they are abducted far more than adults, and they suffer a lot more than adults because their constitutions are simply not ready for this level of cruelty.

Part of the problem is that narcissists have hair trigger rage (based on shame) which a child can never solve. It should never be a child's responsibility regardless. I have included a video below where psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula talks about the rage cycle of narcissists, the unpredictability of the rages, the vindictive part of the rages, and how the rages can be about something else but are taken out on you, the child, instead.

But ... in order for the narcissist to keep himself (or herself) emotionally regulated (i.e. out of experiencing the overwhelming rage-which-is-based-on-shame), they constantly want apologies from you. They want you to take on their shame so that they will not feel shame (and feeling so emotionally unhinged that they want to hurt you and the relationship they are in with you). Always remember, the discard stage happens around issues of their shame, and their inability to handle it.

If you don't offer the apology, or cannot be talked into an apology, the rage gets quite a bit worse in the narcissist and they become very vindictive, petulant and cruel to make you bend to their will. It's in the video.

Obviously this should never be a child's responsibility. We do have to have laws to keep this from happening to children. But in the meantime, children are counted on by these parents for regulating their parent's rage via apologies. Children who are abused for "lack of apology" often don't know what they have done and don't mean to hurt their primary caregivers anyway, and most of the time don't even understand what is going on, in the same way that a victim in the torture chamber says something to the torturer to end the torture. It doesn't work.

If you actually click on Dr. Ramani's video, you can see the comments from many, many child abuse survivors. The high majority of the people who comment tell others to walk away from these relationships.

If something has been un-fixable for 18 years, you don't keep trying to fix it. And by age 18, you know that all of the apologies over all of the "nothings" and erroneous stuff and the fantasies the narcissist has about your character and intentions (they are exceptionally bad at reading people), never ever fixed anything any way, at any time. I think every child gets to the point of "this is my last apology. I can't do this any more." And they walk away from their parent. The parent can cry the blues, make up even more stuff about the child, go on a retaliation binge (which they do), whine to their friends about how they are the victims and how much you wronged them (which they do too, and I bet if you are the child, you have lost a lot of respect for your parent for doing this), and you can be vilified to everyone you know without breaking your resolve.

The reason you don't give in to them is because these apologies are so wrong, and make you so ill, you can't do them any more. Adulthood gives you the strength to walk away. And it is like walking away from a cult where they will punish you if you try to run away with anything other than the shirt on your back.

Once you are out of the role of apologizer for all of these rages, the narcissist will hate you, and the hate will eat them alive. They become obsessed and possessed by thoughts and plans of putting any and all culpability on to you, their child, especially if you have served that role for them in the past (the scapegoats are the children in narcissistic families who generally get put into these roles). Sometimes the smear campaign is enough for some narcissists, especially if they can collect a lot of people, but often it isn't enough because part of narcissism is paranoia. They focus so much of their energy on people, and triangulating people, and manipulating people to get into positions of power and dominance, and vengeful thoughts and plans, especially if they are malignant narcissists, that hate is just another "people focused" thing of theirs that they get fixated on, unlike the rest of us who are just trying to bring up our kids in the healthiest way possible, keeping food on the table, working our jobs, and being with our spouses. They desperately want to harm you more, much more, but they don't know how to do it without narcissistic fall out (i.e. without the possibility of moral people ashamed of them).

And despite all of the hate they have for you, and all of the damage they want to do to you, all of the head games and chess matches they want to play with you, and the push-pull love-you-hate-you scenes, you just want out of the crazy cult of their paranoia-and-rage cycles and start a new life. That is obvious from the comments sections for children of narcissists.

Anyway, if that wasn't enough to deal with, you will be expected to apologize to other members of your family who are abusive and bullying. The strong-arming to apologize to other abusers is a big red flag of Malignant Narcissism. There is a reason why they want this so badly from you, and I will be covering it in another post.

In order to coerce and terrorize you to continually apologize for things you didn't do or say throughout your childhood, they have to do an incredible amount of gaslighting and invalidation of your experiences, feelings and thoughts. They can't really get you to apologize for nonsense without those tactics.

Children experience both of these tactics as confusion and anxiety. If you have seen the Gaslight movie you see how the main character becomes very confused and anxious, almost unhinged by the possibility that she does not know her own mind and perceptions. She gets talked into being crazy. If you have ever had terrible arguments where you are defending yourself over what you are feeling, or thinking, or experiencing, you know how infuriating or frustrating it is when the narcissist insists you were feeling or thinking or experiencing something else entirely - that is an instance of invalidation. When they feel entitled to tell you what your reality is, that is gaslighting.

And believe it or not, they even gaslight you and tell you what you were going through when they weren't there for the experience that you had. It happens more than you would think!

If you are a child, you may have even been punished for your narcissist's crazy-making fixed opinions about how crazy you are and the narcissists insistence that your feelings, thoughts and experiences are not valid. The only reality that the narcissist accepts is their own opinion about the feeling, thought and experience you were going through.

If a child is forced to apologize with all of this going on, and for at least 18 years of it, it adds up to trauma in the child. With other kinds of traumas added to the mix, the end result may be full blown PTSD (or C-PTSD - which is recognized by The World Health Organization but not by the Diagnosis and Statistics Manual of Mental Disorders, the latter using the term PTSD instead).

The problem for children who have been put in the endless apologizing role where the apologies always go from the child out to the parent and extend to other abusers, is that their trauma cannot be resolved inside the family. One of the big reasons why it cannot be resolved is that narcissists lack empathy and self reflection. They aren't going to be soothing their child. They aren't going to be apologizing to their child for hurting them.

The common narcissistic apology, in fact is, "I'm sorry you feel that way" (I will be discussing the narcissist's apologies in an upcoming post). This is why tougher laws must be instated for victims of child abuse. This is why children need to be given some rights to go into foster care if they want to. I will also be discussing what I found were adult children's wishes about what they wanted in terms of stopping the abuse, but to give you a nibble, about half of all child abuse victims would have jumped at the opportunity to be placed into foster care. If you are psychologist, run these statistics yourself, and I think you will see similar numbers to what I saw.

Now some of the reasons why the forced apology with invalidation and gaslighting happens so frequently to victims of child abuse is that the parent may have suffered child abuse too. Alternatively, they could have been a Golden Child in their family of origin and feel that shame is beneath them, something for other people, never for them.

In terms of the non-Golden child abuse victims who tend to take on a victim-type mentality, and be the covert vulnerable type of narcissists: they could have seen or experienced too much shaming in their childhoods and cannot stand any more of it landing on them. So to make themselves feel better from all of the trauma triggers that shaming brings to them, they do what their parents did: put the blame and shame on the child instead. In fact, where you find covert narcissists, you often find that they are super-sensitive to any criticism and any hint of shame. They become wildly destructive over perceived criticisms and perceived shaming, in fact (and yet they dish out plenty of it). It is common for covert narcissists to present with cormorbid conditions like PTSD.

For the Golden Child types of narcissists (who tend to be more of the grandiose style narcissists), they were groomed to feel they could do no wrong, as well as not to feel empathy for victims of bullying, and to go along with flying monkey pursuits and agendas like bullying, shaming and smear campaigns for the head narcissist in their family of origin. While they, too, are rageful and sensitive to criticism, they are not as sensitive as someone who has had direct hits of erroneous shaming in childhood and is saddled with trauma. They appear smug and unmoved emotionally while shamed (much like Jeffrey Epstein when interrogated by police).

Not being able to handle shame in a healthy way other than to be vindictive and rageful would also explain why perpetrators often choose going to prison over intensive daily therapy and anger management classes. And they do. They cannot stand the thought of feeling or dealing with shame in a therapist's office, or in front of other perpetrators at classes, so they think that prison will be a lot easier for them.

It means that most narcissistic parents will not be practicing the kinds of healthy parenting tips I discussed at the beginning of the post. Without any consideration for healthier parenting approaches, not caring about how this impacts the child, no way out for the child unless the child knows to call 911 or Domestic Violence Services, you have a more and more traumatized child (something that society will be saddled with in terms of on-going cost for trauma therapy).

"The Narcissist and the Shame-Rage Spiral"

by psychologist, Dr. Ramani Durvasula

(my hope is that this video of hers explains why you can't "win" with a narcissist

who wants you to take on all faults within a family):

further reading:

Gaslighting: is an apology necessary to heal after you’ve been abused? (Restorative justice is an approach to healing. But how is it possible with sociopaths, pathological liars, blackout drinkers who rely on fractured memory for truth?) - by Ariel Leve for The Guardian

Characteristics of Abusers 

Sorry Not Sorry -- Do You Force Apologizing in Your Home? (Forced apologies are as common as forced sharing in our culture. But apologies that are insincere are also ineffective.) - by Avital Schrieber Levy, Contributor for The Huffington Post

Apologies (Abuse and Relationships) - by Michael Samsel

The value of an apology in sexual assault claims - by Tracey Emmott

Apologizing When You’ve Done Nothing Wrong - by Laura Polk for Crosswalk.com

You’ll Be Sorry – Children and Apologies - by Janet Lansbury for Elevating Child Care

Cult leaders often have the same characteristics as abusive parents (or abusive heads of a household): here is an article I found on Psychology Today by Joe Navarro who explains the characteristics of cult leaders

Here's what works way better than forcing your kid to say sorry (You can insist that your child apologize, but how can you help them to feel genuine remorse, make amends and do better next time?) - by Rachael Rifkin for Today's Parent 

What to Say to Little Kids Instead of 'Say Sorry' - by Michelle Woo

Instead Of Forcing Preschoolers To Apologize, We Should Be Doing This Instead - by Lauren Celenza for Scary Mommy

What to Do When Your Child Refuses to Apologize - by staff of Sleeping Should Be Easy

Why you should always apologize to your child when you hurt him or her (avoiding trauma in your child)

1. This post: Why you should always apologize to your child when you hurt him or her (avoiding trauma in your child)

2. Why You Should Not Force Children to Apologize (also discusses forced apologies in abusive narcissistic families)

more posts to follow 

Even if you don't understand why your child is hurt by you, apologies (and recognition) do several things:

* validate that your child is in pain
* teach the child to recognize pain in others, and to build the courage, morals and desire in them to apologize to others ("teach by example")
* teach the child that there are resolutions to pain on your end (and not making the child responsible for self-soothing, or feeling pressured to denounce or invalidate their pain or experiences to make you feel better instead, or ending up with trauma responses from your child including fight, flight, fawn or freeze (avoid), the trauma responses being about running away from painful situations, if even within the household.

The apologies should stick too, not be in a merry-go-round of "I'll apologize now just to smooth things out and decrease the tension." If you put children on a merry-go-round (love and comfort, followed by disappointment-irritation-devaluing-anger, followed by a punishing rejection or a blinding rage with physical abuse), then the apologies won't mean much to your child, and they will opt for more distancing from you.

Some may opt for inauthentic fawning to keep safe from your rage (i.e. fawning just to regulate your emotions - something that children should not be responsible for). If you put children in the role of smoothing out the tension between you, taking care of your super sensitive emotions, comforting you, helping you feel validated and whole again, boosting your ego, being super sensitive to your inability to accept any criticism or enlightenment about your behavior (walking on eggshells) and is always in the role of "apologizer", and you feel entitled to those things while rarely doing those things for your child, then you are parentifying your child. Parentifying is a form of child abuse (emotional abuse). Like sex (childhood sexual abuse), parentifying is something that children are not ready for, or built for, especially when it comes to emotionally soothing you, and it will cause trauma in them.

They might practice being a parent to dolls (and usually it is restricted to quasi-medical care, dressing, feeding, and pretend cooking - to get them to prepare to be a parent to their own children - not you).

To keep things healthy between you and your child, adopt the behaviors that you want to see in your child. If you can't, see a therapist or psychologist.

In fact, almost no articles exist with titles like "You Should Never Apologize to Your Child", or "Why Apologies Should Always Be Given By Your Child and Never By You".

Below, I feature some articles that do exist on the subject in terms of the most effective and healthiest ways to deal with apologies. Since I am a researcher, I thought this was the best way to tackle this particular topic. 

If you are experiencing a child who can't or won't apologize for his or her behavior, many parents turn to counselors and psychologists for the answers. There may be a budding personality disorder, or something in the home is not being attended to in terms of addressing children's feelings in an appropriate way that will harness healthy emotions for all involved. 

following are articles on the subject with my comments 

(my comments are in bold green):

Top 10 Reasons Parents Should Admit Their Mistakes - by Jim Holsomback, MA, ABT for Psych Central
the top ten (read the article for more elaborate explanations):
Parents who apologize reflect the importance of “I’m Sorry”
Apologies are key in building parent-child trust
It lets our kids off the hook
Apologies can soften our mistakes in the eyes of our kids
Apologies help teach the importance of “being effective” versus “being right”
Apologies often help others understand the wisdom in our intentions
Parents are role models and the most effective teacher of values
Parents who apologize have to get in the minds of their kids……and vice versa
I learned it from you!

Try to Avoid Looking for Mistakes

Parents who admit their imperfections and mistakes are actually more perfect in their children's eyes.

It shows that you are capable of self reflection. If you aren't capable of self reflection, your child is likely not to listen to you or want to hear what you have to say. 

Are You Psychologically Abusive to Your Children Without Realizing It? - by W.R. Cummings for Psych Central

excerpt:

Sometimes it’s helpful to stop ourselves before we speak and ask: Will my child have to recover from the way I’m about to treat them? Will interacting with them in this way negatively impact their ability to respond to certain situations in healthy ways? ...
... One example of psychological abuse (from parent to child) I’ve seen is when parents have emotional outbursts and then blame their outburst on their children. Even when our kids misbehave and we lose our control, it’s still our responsibility to control ourselves.
Another I’ve seen is the withholding of affection, affirmation, or respectful interactions when a child is behaving in undesirable ways. We can teach our children that their behavior affects the emotions of others without withholding respect and affirmation from them. One is teaching; one is manipulating.

One of the most subtle–yet most detrimental–forms of psychological abuse I’ve seen between parents and children is gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone belittles another person’s concerns by making them think their concerns are invalid. It’s a form of psychological manipulation that causes other people to doubt the validity of their own feelings.
Examples of this are:
Child: “Mommy, that hurt my feelings.”
Parent: “Honey, everything hurts your feelings.” (Makes the child doubt the validity of their own feelings) ...
... Child: “You’re not being very nice right now.”
Parent: “Well, it’s hard to be nice when you have a kid that’s always being bad.” (Makes the child believe that their parent’s behavior is their responsibility) ...
... Child: “That hurt my feelings.”

Parent: “Well, if I’m such a bitch, then…” (Makes the child believe they’ve accused the parent of something unmentionable, even when they haven’t) ...
... It’s important to apologize to children. It’s even more important to change your behavior after you apologize so they know that apologies should be accompanied by changed behavior. If we say we’re sorry and then keep repeating our harmful behavior, we teach them how to enter into abusive cycles and STAY in them. We teach them that saying sorry is enough and that changed behavior is not required.
We teach them that the real problem is them. If they’d only change THEIR behavior, we wouldn’t have to keep being mean ...

... No matter what our kids say, no matter what they do, no matter how they treat us… we must behave in ways that won’t cause them long-term damage to them because THAT IS OUR JOB as parents.
Parents and children are not equally yoked and should not behave as such. We are more mature, more practiced in controlling our emotions, and more responsible for the outcomes of our interactions. It’s our job to show them that instead of just saying it.

Parents owe it to their children to be regulated in their emotions because it will teach children to be regulated in their own emotions.

Parental rage (even quiet punishing rages like abandonment or freezing a child out of familial belonging) is frightening to a child and will not accomplish much in the long run except distance: the child not trusting the parent. Children in these situations also have to parent themselves (i.e. self soothe from a volatile parent or take their complaints outside the family: teachers, school psychologists, a school nurse, neighbors, a therapist, a foster parent, a camp counselor, a sympathetic aunt or uncle - when it should come from you).

Apologizing To Your Child: 5 Things Happen When You Don’t Say Sorry - from the editors of Mom Remade (Encouraging Mothers ... From the Other Side of Parenthood)

excerpt:

... And then some parents never admit they are wrong because they don’t think they are wrong. Ever.
This is faulty thinking. Apologizing to your child is a sign of respect for the overall relationship you have with him ...

Apologizing to Your Child: 5 Things Happen When You Don’t Say Sorry:

1. It Sabotages the Relationship:

... If there have been no apologies ever then resentment, bitterness, and eventually hatred will form in the heart of your child throughout his childhood ...

2. It Creates a Double Standard:

... They understand an offense and possibly how to make amends for their bad behavior. They know when they bite, hit or throw sand in someone’s face, it’s wrong. And mom is going to make me apologize when I do it.
When you do something that is obviously wrong to your child (yell, swear, slap, threaten, verbal or physical abuse, etc.), your child automatically thinks the same thing. There should be an apology. And a genuine change of behavior. It is a logical deduction.

3. It Sets You Up As God:

Not apologizing is confusing because your kids know you are sinful, but since you are the god of the house…they have to go along with it. Everyone has to keep up the perpetual lie that mom and dad are never wrong, nor are they to be questioned for their actions.

4. A Teachable Moment Is Lost:

Apologizing to your child is an opportunity to set a good example by calling out exactly what you did wrong, taking full responsibility, and making amends.
This not only restores the relationship, but it also reinforces you are not God. You have made yourself human and show that part of life is failing and starting again.

When you don’t apologize you have lost the chance to be a healthy adult by setting boundaries on what is okay and not okay for everyone in the family.

5. It Creates a Lack of Respect

Apologizing to your child is important so you create a common understanding of respect for each other. Children are smart. They know bad behavior when they see it.
Even young kids know yelling, threatening, pouting, silent treatment, intimidation, domination, etc. are not right. They cry, recoil, and go into self-protection mode due to fear and shame when a parent comes after them.
You can split hairs and rationalize all day about how adults are the ones in charge and they shouldn’t be questioned, but I ask you to step back and look at yourself.
If you could watch yourself on video, what would you see? Would you be able to show that video to your friends?
Think about whether you have created quiet contempt or heartfelt respect and admiration in the heart of your child. You can demand respect from your children through compliance, but you can’t demand respect from their hearts. That is earned.

- I would like to add that creating respect for your child (and not always expecting the respect to flow in one direction, towards you) also creates a respectful, polite society. If you feel the present society is becoming more hard-hearted, more divided, more narcissistic, more invalidating in terms of people hearing one another (opinion-based realities), less empathetic, more unruly, more corrupt, then create children who can respect adults, not strong-arm them into respecting, but by showing respect towards your children. Build yourself into an authentically respectful role model. A respectful role model is someone who sees the faults and shortcomings in themselves as much as the strengths, who understands the faults and shortcomings in their own upbringing and makes constant adjustments and changes.

Dos and don'ts mostly are about not using the sorts of tactics that narcissists use:
* don't be a hypocrite - probably the most important
* don't indulge in activities of a hypocritical nature like:
   - preaching peace and joining peace groups and going home to beat up your family
   - preaching women's liberation while expecting your daughter to be docile and subservient ... or having a favorite male golden child and a female devalued scapegoat
   - preaching being understanding and compassionate in conflicts, but being cruel and dismissive in conflicts yourself
   - preaching justice for the world while not being just towards your family members
   - rebelling, but then expecting your child to always say "yes" to everything you want
* don't be arrogant                 
* don't parentify
* don't infantilize (i.e. don't treat an adult child like an underage child)
* don't gaslight                       
* don't deceive or rewrite history ...  avoid as much as possible actions where you will keep damaging secrets and make up diversionary embarrassing explanations later on for bad behavior
* don't stick your child in a role
* don't idealize, devalue, discard
* avoid looking at your child as all good, and then all bad; make sure you are not Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde to them                                                               
* don't expect your child to be perfect or to perform tasks perfectly
* don't blame-shift (i.e. take the blame off of you and give it to your child instead)
* don't blame and don't shame - talk through things to gain perspectives and understanding, and help your child to express their own perspectives instead, and then state your perspectives without trying to talk him or her into those perspectives
* don't invalidate your child's feelings, experiences, perspectives, thoughts
* don't goad or taunt your child into a tearful or angry response (it is something school yard bullies do and is incredibly childish and inappropriate for a parent to behave this way - your child will lose respect for you and if I had a say, it would be grounds for losing custody of your child) 
* don't call your child names
* don't be cruel, vindictive, retaliatory, vengeful, play tit-for-tat games
* don't insult (includes not just your child but all people your child loves or is in contact with)
* don't try to get your way or dominate at all times when they are children (make sure his or her needs and wants are represented in the relationship as much as your own) ... and then when they are adults, see them as equals
* don't try to make a co-dependent, trauma bonded child (it's likely to backfire and leave you with an estranged child)
* don't expect your child to walk around on eggshells and be super sensitive to your feelings while ignoring or invalidating his or hers 
* don't be abandoning if you want a relationship with your child later on
* don't try to shame your child by ganging up on your child with other family members (i.e. create flying monkeys)
* don't have temper tantrums (which you dismiss as non-traumatizing your child) and then expect your child never to have a temper tantrum (or alternatively hit your child for having a temper tantrum). Realize that emotional regulation in yourself most often creates emotional regulation in your child.
* don't indulge in triangulation of your child, or family triangulation
* don't indulge in schadenfreude
* don't indulge in the silent treatment
* don't run smear campaigns on your child
* don't tell your child "don't talk to (another family member)"
* don't make up vilifying stories about your child that make him or her look bad and make you look like a saint (it won't go over with most people anyway)
* don't indulge in punishments that hurt your child (if your child states that it hurts, believe him or her and try to find another avenue that is not hurtful, to promote "self discipline" in your child ... and if necessary, get help from a therapist)
* don't turn on your child when he or she needs your support the most
* don't pit your children against each other
* don't compete with your child (leave competition to sports outside the family)
* don't argue (leave arguing to discourse outside of the family - especially these days)
* don't play head games
* don't indulge in parental alienation syndrome (trying to get your child to side with you against his or her other parent: it is child abuse as well as abusive towards the ex, but your child will suffer a lot more than your ex will).
* don't use guilt trips over money you spent on them when they were children, or in college, or when they were otherwise vulnerable, under age, or disabled (it won't work any way)
* don't punish your child for emotions, facial expressions, a tone of voice (it is sadistic and erroneous)
* don't take advantage of your child
* don't be selfish (i.e. put your needs way ahead of your child's needs)
* don't be entitled to receive special treatment and consideration from your child that you would not expect from yourself in terms of your child receiving the same kinds of considerations
* don't call your child's emotions "drama" (it is verbally abusive, and won't work anyway)
* don't indulge in having extra-marital affairs when you have children younger than 18 (your job is to raise your children, and going out on dates, meeting for sex, thinking about your lovers, fantasizing about them when you are separate, takes up time, attention ... plus affairs are usually ridden with deceptions, and can drive wedges with your children and within your entire family, often in ways you won't be able to see at the time)
* don't pit your spouse (their step-parent) against your child or their other parent
* have the best intentions towards your child

If you have knowingly, or unknowingly in toxic family tradition, indulged in any of these behaviors, an apology will go a long way in recognizing that you hurt your child.

Apologies and meeting half way are part of healing. If you are the dominating type (i.e. have made it clear that you want to dominate your child), your child will most likely not be comfortable and recoil from it.

If you are estranged because of the above actions, an apology still goes a long way. If your child has been deeply traumatized by you, you may not be able to have a relationship with him or her (too triggering perhaps), but at least your child may know that you are retreating from an attack mindset.

The high majority of estrangements are ended by parents, not children (the last statistics I saw from Britain were in the over-80 percentile region). It is not known why, but my guess is that most parents who do the don'ts are dominating and authoritarian, and insist on being the ones who control the script, even when the child rebels against the script. Which means that the child waits for the domination (in this case the apology) to begin. Wild guess ...

Again, parents are the role models, and if they are acting badly, selfishly and normalizing estrangement, the child will probably think of estrangements as normal too. Traumatized children can believe estrangement serves their needs at keeping safe from a "cruel, abandoning parent" too.

If you are the child of a narcissist, please be aware that "apologies" from your parent may not be real. See below, last article (Psychiatrist, Sharie Stines's article which I also comment on):

Making Amends and Apologizing to Your Child - by Bonnie Yates for Psych Central

excerpt:

My husband and I have many of the same hopes and dreams as other parents, for example, that our daughter will be happy, that she’ll do well in school, and that she’ll meet someone special and share her life with them. However, we also hope that she’ll learn to appreciate beauty and kindness, that she’ll care for and be compassionate towards others, and that she’ll be both resilient and humble when necessary.

I’m acutely aware of our influence as parents, and in particular that our daughter learns far more from what we do, than from what we say. With this in mind, I’ve made an effort over the years to share my mistakes and learnings with her (where appropriate), and to model the process of making amends.

What’s Wrong with Apologies and How to Make Them Right (Six steps to an authentic apology that is meaningful and healing) - by Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. for Psychology Today

How You Can Apologize to Your Children, or Should You? (Apologies to Kids Can Mend the Disruption of the Divorce) - by Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. for Psychology Today 

The Power of Apology (How to give and receive an apology. And it's worth it, on both ends) - by Beverly Engel for Psychology Today

excerpt:

I knew that it had taken all the courage my extremely proud mother could muster to say them, so I didn't have to belabor the point. The important thing was that she was saying she was sorry—something she'd never done before. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she truly regretted the way she had treated me.
Of course, this was only the beginning of the story. Although I believed her apology, I didn't yet know if her behavior toward me would be different. This I tested over time. But by apologizing she had acknowledged that I had a reason to be hurt and angry, and that was extremely empowering for me.
Apology changed my life. I believe it can change yours, as well.

The Narcissistic Family: A Narcissist, An Exhausted Spouse and Anxious Children - by Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC for Psych Central

excerpt:

Most spouses spend significant chunks of the day cleaning up after the relational mess the narcissist leaves behind. There are friends to apologize to, children to console, neighbors to minimize the overheard outburst, and family to discount the latest narcissist rant. Then there are excuses to be given for insensitivity, employers/employees to mitigate any conflict, and forgiveness on behalf of the narcissist to be sought.

How Constantly Apologizing Affects Our Personal Relationships - by Veronica Monet for YourTango.com (also published by Psych Central ... including this link)

excerpt:

We are all familiar with people who say “I’m sorry” just so they can gain your trust and get themselves off the hook. It’s infuriating when we trust the words “I’m sorry” and let down our defenses, only to be hurt in the same way once again ...

... As children, most of us were admonished to apologize for things we did that displeased the adults in our lives. We might not have felt all that bad about our actions at the time, but when we were confronted with stern attitudes or shaming pronouncements we quickly learned to say we were sorry — even if secretly we believed we had not done anything wrong. The typical result was a forced and half-hearted “I’m sorry” directed toward our “victim” — often a sibling or playmate.

When a Narcissist Makes an Apology - by Sharie Stines, Psy.D

excerpt:

Do not be fooled by a narcissist’s apology. Realize that the relationship is no different than it was before the apology – you just now have more confusion on your plate (think, “cognitive dissonance”). You believe that maybe he means he’s sorry or that he won’t do whatever it was he did again. But, rest assured, the narcissist uses an apology as part of the “cycle of abuse.”
You see, the apology is all part of the narcissistic “game.” Things are hot and cold or good and bad within a relationship with a personality disordered person. An apology is part of the illusion of “good” in the relationship. You get hooked in with the emotions of hopefulness and relief when your narcissist apologizes to you. This hope is something that you need because prior to the apology you were hurt and shut out.
After the apology, you feel relieved and can relax again. This causes you to trust and bond with your loved one. This is all part of the creation of a trauma bond.
Understand that trauma bonds form in toxic relationships and are harder to break than healthy bonds. Trauma bonds occur by inconsistent reinforcement.
Narcissistic relationships are based on traumatic bonds rather than on normal connections. This is because people with personality disorders are incapable of mutuality, cooperation, or empathy – all ingredients necessary for a healthy human relationship.
In a narcissistic relationship the non-narcissist is merely an object. Narcissists participate in the relationship as a sort of token-exchange system. In essence, a narcissist believes that if you do what he wants then he will, in exchange, bless you with his presence.

If your parent acts in the ways of the don'ts above, then they are likely to have high narcissistic traits. Then the apology is likely to be a hoovering maneuver. I have yet to do a post on hoovering, but the premise is to get you back in order to control you or put you into some sort of role, so the apology is not likely to be genuine.
Narcissists hoover for a variety of reasons: their image, trying to contain you from damaging their reputation by showing others the truth, because they miss the narcissistic supplies you used to give them, trying to get you back because they are afraid that you don't miss them, they are trying to get you back into the cycle of abuse (the apology from them being a way to get you back into the honeymoon stage ... the devalue stage coming after). 
So should you accept the apology? 
My own feeling is that you should, but that doesn't mean you should let your guard down at all, or re-start the relationship, or trust them again, or give them the benefit of the doubt. "The benefit of the doubt" can be dangerous in some cases too. Get help from Domestic Violence Services and know what kind of abuser yours is before embarking on any kind of rendezvous (some abusers apologize so that they can get you alone and do damage to you and sometimes even kill you) ... and by the way, the link "know what kind of abuser yours is" takes you to abusers who are men, but abusive women are more or less the same except they tend to be more covert in their narcissism, i.e. present themselves as victims who have been wronged by you. They try to turn you into the perpetrator and themselves into the victim through gossip and triangulation (in fact, triangulation is more or less a requirement of the narcissist, and with covert narcissists, pretty much a full time occupation). 
"I accept your apology, and thank you" is as far as you need to go in many cases. If they show you over time that they have changed (it takes years and years),  then you can decide how close you want to be with them. 
If you are a scapegoat, realize that it takes a tremendous amount of gaslighting on their part to scapegoat you (typical gaslighting statements are like the ones in WR Cummings post above: "You're too sensitive" being the most common gaslighting statement to renounce that you are hurt by them; it is also a blame-shifting maneuver). Any gaslighting statements, any apologies that are followed by "but" and then a gaslighting presentation aren't real apologies. Realize that your parent is not capable of an apology. 
The thing about being a scapegoat is that your parent has given up on trying to control you and usually discards you instead. Being discarded means you can do what ever you want in life, be the kind of citizen you want, follow your dreams without your parent butting in and telling you that you should do it their desired way instead, etc. There is also no parent talking you into apologizing to an abusive sibling, or an abusive boss, or an abusive step-father. You are free to live life on your own terms and finally speak without hindrance or shaming.

An update on this blog (my research, art and cartoons about abuse) and the way forward

I was asked why I wasn't doing art and cartoons by a few survivors, so I thought I'd answer that question here, in case anyone else wanted to know.

Bear with me.

My original intention for this blog was to do art and illustrations about abuse. And to write short blog posts that would explain a little of what I was feeling, perhaps with a little research, some links, and so on.

But I found that people were coming to this blog for answers, such as the original blog post I wrote on scapegoating in alcoholic and narcissistic families on my art blog, of all things. That original post has 10,326 hits as of this writing (that is only the one post, not other social media hits, and not the whole blog).

I don't know where the hits are coming from, or from whom, but Google lets me know how many hits I get per post at least.

All of the art work I made for that post went viral (and I saw them come up on my own social media feeds many times) with the exception of the scapegoat with the butterflies that started the whole post off (at least as far as I know). However, on my art site, the scapegoat has edged out all of my other art works in terms of sales. So those sales either came from that original blog post, or it has made some rounds on social media without me knowing (i.e. seeing it come up on my own feeds, seeing where it has made the rounds, who put up the art works, and so on).

RESEARCH

There are many reasons why I turned much more heavily to research. One was that a therapist encouraged me to do so from the very beginning (and has been instrumental in suggestions for posts, and correcting me at times). And I also have a mind for research.

The other reason was that I was heavily involved in the "survivor community" and some of the stories I heard were so disturbing, I felt I had a role to play in making lives better for survivors.

So often survivors are caught in a cycle of "he loves me, he loves me not", which is really a cycle of "love bomb, devalue, discard-or-destroy", and they are confused and cannot seem to get off the wheel. There are many reasons they feel they cannot get off the wheel, and that deserves a post of its own. In a very short-hand version it has to do with lack of resources including not knowing where to turn for help, attachment (trauma bonding, co-dependency and love), a profound lack of proper education in the society as to what constitutes abuse to fully understanding the health repurcussions and societal ramifications of abuse, cultural (victim blaming, a profound ignorance of abuse topics and pressuring victims to "make up" or "forgive" when it actually puts them in more danger) and how trauma manifests when there are lulls in abuse (freeze responses, how the mind tricks itself).

Part of becoming educated is the realization that domestic violence and the traits of perpetrators is just one side of the picture. For every incident of domestic abuse, there are going to be trauma responses to the abuse. One does not go without the other.

One thing that we do know is that sexual abuse of minors is very, very high on the PTSD scale. For children under 12 who are sexually abused, roughly 93 percent of those children will develop PTSD, depending on whose statistic you look at, and whether inappropriate touching (i.e. "copping a feel") is part of that statistic (most of the time it is).

But all abuses create trauma, especially if they are perpetrated more than a few times, especially if the trauma goes untreated, whether the abuse contains sadism, whether there is an accumulation of different kinds of traumas, and so on. 

If you put a child through sexual abuse, and they receive other kinds of abuses, then the likelihood of PTSD rises to 100 percent. 

There was much more information research done about PTSD than about abusers when I started.

In order to heal from PTSD, being educated about the abusers' side is paramount. As so many therapists put it, "You have to stop the bleeding first" before you can heal. Also: "You have to give up on abusers." Yes. You have to give up on them changing (99.75 will not change - especially those with narcissistic or Antisocial Personality Disorder traits - and the rest of the quarter of one percent who do change and realize there is something wrong with how they relate to others often become extremely depressed, even suicidal, which is why the recidivism rate is so high for those who enter therapy - they abuse because it makes them "feel good" and keeps the uncomfortable depression and realizations away, even though it is at the expense of the other person, and even though it requires an extremely uncaring approach, at the very least, towards the other person).

You have to understand how they love: it is "utilitarian love" (loving you as though you are a "utility object", like a wind-up doll, where the mechanisms are either working or not working the way your abuser wants). Their love is also about love turning to hate in the blink of an eye, and love bombing, all of it temporary. The temporary bursts of love followed by hate and sometimes back again, degradation, dismissal and vindictiveness over time will create anxiety in their victims, then hyper-vigilance, then trauma, and then end with full blown PTSD.

It is not the kind of love the rest of us experience: enduring, expansive, enlightening, intimate, reciprocal, vulnerable, beautiful, calming (which opens the flood gates for trust), ending up with a life that is more powerful, peaceful and embracing than a trauma-ridden relationship with an abuser whose love is always suspect, shallow and due to change at any moment.

The first step is getting off of the wheel ... and why getting off the wheel is the best option for all trauma survivors to heal from the symptoms (and not to scare anyone, but the symptoms can become so horrific that sometimes people would rather die than go through one more day, or "even the possibility" of one more trauma).

I started this blog for survivors of abuse. I am not worried about perpetrators reading this blog because the high majority of them will avoid any kind of reading about this anyway (i.e. "stirring the pot" of their own self reflection) and will find the blog "uncomfortable", and will stop reading for that reason. Survivors are the people who will want to ask "why" and it is for them that I write. The high majority of perpetrators don't ask why and go on to their next fantasy or next narcissistic supply source.

THE EXPLOSION OF RESEARCH ON ABUSE

In the last couple of years, after I started this blog, there has been an emergence of easy-to-find information from a lot of sources, whereas before there weren't.

Psychology Today finally took up the subject of abuse and narcissism in greater numbers of articles (again, after I started this blog). So did Psych Central.

Lenora Thompson, a survivor, started writing her blog about growing up in a narcissistic family and her escape into a normal life (on Psych Central and The Huffington Post, the first of its kind for a major publication internet site, using her real name, and not a pseudonym, though before, most survivors set up their own blogs with pseudonyms).

Then the professional information on both Psychology Today and Psych Central seemed to explode with hundreds of articles, some of them redundant.

Then Med Circle started interviewing top mental health professionals on a variety of conditions, including narcissism and narcissistic abuse - it was an extremely popular You Tube channel.

Then psychologists like Ross Rosenberg, Judy Rosenberg, Les Carter and Ramani Durvasula and others decided to start their own You Tube channels (possibly after seeing so many life coaches like Lisa Romano, Shahida Arabi and Richard Grannon become wildly successful at taking on the subject of narcissistic abuse).

But before all of these people started, there was the You Tube channel by Sam Vaknin. He is a survivor of the most severe kinds of childhood abuse, and also diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Malignant Narcissism). His channel is about looking inside the narcissist's head and emotions to understand what narcissists think and feel, and why they act in the way they act (or I should say "react") - abusing others being a kind of automatic trigger-impulse-driven defense weapon against any chance of being abused or abandoned themselves; in other words they insist on being the perpetrator in the instigation of abuse and abandonment - even when the possibility of abuse or abandonment is not real, and is only a figment of their imagination.

And indeed, he does go into why a lot of what narcissists perceive in other people as a figment of their imagination (a fantasy driven by "being in a horror house of mirrors" is how he refers to it). He has a lot of self reflection, something not present in the high majority of narcissists, so one wonders if he just has PTSD with most of the narcissistic traits, but not all of them ... and by the way, his advice to his 103,000 subscribers is to abandon narcissists because they don't have good intentions towards others, that the only possibility of narcissists rehabilitating in any small way is losing most or all of their relationships, and even then they often back-track because he believes that abuse, power, control and know-it-all arrogant behaviors (which hide fear, ignorance, and a crushed ego) are an addiction for his fellow narcissists. I do think that a lot of You Tube psychologists have listened to what he has to say, but to be "professional", they tend to go with "research driven" material only (so that their professionalism is not questioned).

And by the way, if narcissists do end up on my page, I would suggest they go watch his videos instead, as I think they will get a lot more out of them than lingering in a place where victims dwell.

Anyway, I wondered what I could add to this influx of great information as all of these channels are so good at explaining what is going on. And it is a reason to drop my own writing on this subject ... except I have already written the articles in large part. All I have to do is edit, add the latest information, pop in the artwork, and I am ready to go ... except, I couldn't get to the art work, which is why I stopped doing it ... and I was spending so much of my "free time" researching and writing about PTSD instead (which is a way of saying I got to stage two without completing stage one).

The reason I was on fire is that I wanted to know "why" on all of it, sooner rather than later.

I hope to illustrate the articles at a later time.

THIRD STEP

I do have a third step in my sights after publishing enough posts on perpetrators (their tactics, vindictiveness, the "why" part of what they are doing) and their victims (trauma-related issues, the "why" part of PTSD - and even much more trivial subjects like "why" such a high majority of female survivors of childhood abuse have long hair, even extra-ordinarily long hair). 

And just to let you know, the "why" part of long hair started when I first began to go to survivor events. So many women with free flowing long locks down their backs, and hardly anyone with short hair. So many fantasy artists. So many nurses. So many Kindergarten, Second and Third Grade teachers. So many going to alternative medicine practitioners. So many estranged from their families. And not to be too redundant, but "why"? 

And so I looked for these answers while writing a post on something else totally unrelated, and in the case of "long hair" I was writing a post about "the isolation tactic" (i.e. why perpetrators want to control who you communicate with, and what you communicate, leading to isolation). If you are a long time reader you know that I haven't finished or published my post on the isolation tactic yet (but I will put a link here to it when I finish the editing).  

Part of finishing up the research part of this blog may be to spend more time putting up great videos of the psychologists. Instead of pounding the keyboard to such an extent and getting headaches from over-reading and extending into more esoteric matters on these subjects, I should just let all of the wonderful psychologists talk, yes?

So, for some posts, that is what you will see: less writing from me, more videos from the psychologists, more "further reading". 

All so I can get to step 3, which is really where I want to be now. But, I thought it was important to survivors who landed on my page to get all of the research they need. I am behind you and beside you. Finding healing resources is not easy unless you know the terms (which is why I use terms like "ostracism" instead of "scapegoat" in some subject lines: "ostracism" being a more common term that people might lookup on Google than "scapegoat").

I also wrote the articles because some people don't know they have been abused until they are in their late fifties when they are experiencing horrible symptoms and they can't find out "why". 

While I am going to keep step 3 under wraps for now, it will involve videos and a video channel (and inserted into this blog), more direct communication, more comic relief (comedy does help the suffering, yes?)

So bear with me as I try to wrap up the research part of it in the next year or so. It may not be perfect. It may rely very heavily on "studies" and videos sometimes, and may be dry. I don't mind if you go off my page and follow someone else who is pumping out the answers faster (videos can do that better than the written word, and they are exceptional at getting you information in succinct form). You can always come back to see Step 3 if you find my writing isn't getting to the gist of the matter quickly and succinctly enough. 

Or just come back to read a movie review or two or three.  

Here is to your healing!     

Are you obsessed by what happened to you when it comes to how you were treated (abuse, mistreatment, bullying, why your parents threw you away, affairs that your wife had and threw in your face, and wondering why it happened to you?) and PTSD

In this post, I discuss a "perceived obsession" by other people over traumatic wounding experiences, societal attitudes about people who are traumatized and wounded, and whether people who have been wounded and traumatized are actually obsessed.

As usual with most of my posts, I also cite articles and give you further sources for reading.

SO ...

ARE VICTIMS OBSESSED
WITH WHY AND HOW

THEY WERE WOUNDED?
AND ARE THEY REALLY
OBSESSED OR IS IT SOMETHING ELSE?

The short answer is no, you are not "obsessed", but there are a few "yes"es (even normal ones).

The initial reason we think about what happened to us always has to do with the question of why. We have a right to know "why". We want to know "why".

We also want to know why all of the wounding is effecting us so deeply. Why can't we concentrate like we used to? Why do we have nightmares, perhaps? Why can't we sleep? Why are we having gastrointestinal problems (stomach aches that never seem to end)? Why do all of our muscles seem to ache? And so on ...

Plus, on top of it all, "why" sometimes helps us decide if we want to stay or if we want to leave a relationship that is causing us pain (what we can and can't work out in our relationships). "Why" also lets us know whether our value and moral systems are compatible with their value and moral systems.

The reason for most separations is that those value systems are completely out of alignment with each other.

The other thing is that, are you given clear answers as to "why" the person hurting you (especially if you are in an abusive relationship that has a cycle of honeymoons and abuse)? I would guess: probably not. I will discuss "why not" later in the post.

In many ways perpetrators of abuse or mistreatment can and do suffer as much as their victims because of the mis-alignment, but it isn't all that visible at first. And in fact, it may never be visible to you or anyone else because perpetrators love to come off as arrogant (they will down-play their attachment to you: you were just a piece of @ss, a sniveling cry baby, a broken record, a worthless piece of junk, an old used up broad with a whiny kid, whatever ... none of it is all that thoughtful or intelligent).

Even if they kill a victim, unless they are a psychopath, they will live with paranoia, have to devise plans not to be accountable, or to be excused in some way, and in many cases, damned to relationships which are shallow and are about either fighting against investigation and the domination of others (prison guards, juries and judges) or fighting to gain domination over others and trying to throw investigation off.

In any case, their world is a "dog-eat-dog" world, not enviable. Relationships for perpetrators are wrought with fear, paranoia, acting, fantasy, quick rushes of adrenaline, hiding, strategizing at how to take blame off of themselves and give it to someone else, trying to talk others into false narratives that sound believable (smear campaigns), all of this producing anxiety in them. They aren't in the kind of expansive peaceful supportive fun creative relationships that the rest of us have and enjoy. They are spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about how to manage and manipulate other people most of the time into what they want, and into their way of thinking. To them it doesn't seem like Hell because it is all they have ever done or know, but for the great majority of us it would seem like a dark dungeon. Most of all, it would seem to be a waste of energy, time and to be highly immoral too (because most of us have some sort of semblance of empathy, which is where the anxiety comes in for them: they often have to fake empathy because they don't want to feel it).

Better relationships are possible for their victims too, and can resemble the best of the best in terms of a deeply fulfilling relationship. Some perpetrators try to talk their victims into not being worthy of this kind of love, or of any love or consideration ... it is the usual self esteem crushing monologues that abusers use to try to talk their victims into being unworthy ... for instance "No one would ever put up with you except a desperate mangy dog" and themselves - yes, they put themselves in there with a mangy dog. It will come down to some variation on why they believe you don't deserve anyone but them and all of the abuse they dish out.

Believe it or not, anyone with low self esteem might believe it.

You have to wonder why they are so invested in convincing you of all of this stuff if they really hate you this much.

But my main point is that perpetrators are stuck with themselves much more than their victims are. Many victims find the happiness they are looking for, especially if they can undo the brainwashing, the stranglehold of being dominated, disparaged and patronized, and detox from all of the negative judgmental controlling comments, which many of them do, especially in these times with all of the public uproars over narcissism both in the personal sphere as well as the work sphere, and in the last couple of decades in the political sphere too. The United States is awash in domestic violence, abandonment of children, family estrangement, parental alienation syndrome, child abductions, child abuse, abuse of the poor and people with different racial backgrounds, bigotry, police misconduct, and child trafficking. The result of a lot of this is that more people are living alone than ever before.

WHY PEOPLE MIGHT SAY YOU ARE OBSESSED

* There are some people who are not empathetic. They don't feel and think in empathetic ways.

* There are some people who are empathetic and perhaps going through tragedies of their own which seem overwhelming, whereas they look at your tragedy as having been long ago. They are dealing with a lot of sadness and grief which already seems overwhelming, and they need people who aren't mired in their own issues.

* There are some people who only want happy, fun times and think that you are stuck in sadness (that it is of your own making that you don't snap out of it and join the world of "the living" and "the joyous" - maybe they had a car accident and they snapped out of it and they equate their tragedy with your tragedy).

* There are some people who don't want to hear your pain because they are going through so much pain themselves. And then there are some people who tell you that you complained of the same thing last week and because of that it shows that you are obsessed.

These are just a few of the reasons ... If you look at these attitudes closely, these really don't have anything to do with you, but being called "obsessed" does not feel good either. I get to why later in the post.

Abusers usually have their own reasons for why they think you seem obsessed:

* They usually want the attention on themselves, and cannot stand it that your attention is elsewhere.

* Calling you "obsessed" might be a gaslighting strategy, i.e. "You are crazy for being obsessed. Who thinks about these kinds of things as much as you do? No one!" - these statements are to get your mind off of their abuse too.

* They don't think you should ask "why?" In fact, a lot of abusers want to suppress information, and silently punish you in varying degrees for researching because research makes them feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. They don't want you putting the magnifying glass on them. Usually you know when you are making them uncomfortable with research because they will give you the silent treatment or short snippy dismissive answers, and yet want to know everything about you (there is an extreme amount of hypocrisy in abuse). Abusers like to control information and be looked at as the "genius source" of information. They also spend an inordinate amount of time triangulating (sometimes it is their full time profession in the work place and in the home), trying to make people hate or be suspicious of each other so that they remain in charge of everyone and the primary source of information, which differs from the rest of us who are trying to do something for humanity, our family or a cause. We don't like triangulation and we don't have time for it. 

Again these are just a few instances and reasons.

Sometimes you really don't know what people are thinking and feeling when it comes to your issues. Some people get in closer and want to run your life and advise you to the point of control, others distance themselves from you. And if you are lucky you have one best friend who listens and supports you with an open mind and is there for you through the thick and thin of it.

When you don't have support, the trauma feels quite a bit worse than if you had support. Trauma can make you sick emotionally, mentally and physically after awhile, and if you don't have anyone to talk to and there are no empaths in your life, then you start asking "why" about that too. "Why are people so damned wrapped up in themselves?" "Why isn't our friendship solid when I have problems, not just when she has problems?" "Why do I feel so alone when all these people say they care but are too busy to have anything to do with me?" "Why do people rely on me so heavily when I've been through this kind of a traumatic event? Why can't I be supported for once?" "Why do the people around me only have an ear for (this) and not for (that), and not for what people are suffering through?" - for instance.

You are not alone in asking why. The culture is becoming more and more anesthetized to other people's traumas (and issues in general), there are a lot more "fixed opinions", there is a lot less discussion and research, and there is a lot less empathy and more narcissism (USA).

So, why can't people just be a little more empathetic to what you went through?

IT'S PARTLY ABOUT FAMILY

AND IT'S PARTLY ABOUT CULTURE

The Family Issue:

I have talked many times in this blog about how it stems from the family, particularly dysfunctional abusive families, which also tend to be authoritarian families too.

Not all children from narcissistic abusive families will be abusive, but about a third will.

What is learned in childhood:
* "Don't feel":
   "Don't feel", and sometimes "Don't feel because I don't have the time or patience to deal with your feelings", and sometimes it is "Don't feel or you will be punished (abused) for feeling." Sometimes feelings are described as "drama".
   This teaches other children not to be empathetic when it comes to the suffering of others. In this case, it is also "everyone to themselves": you are responsible for how you feel (the attitude that what is outside yourself has no bearing to how good or bad you feel, and no matter what the circumstance - we know this isn't true, but parents who do not want to feel culpable at all, a narcissistic trait, will teach their children that all culpability resides within themselves).
* Toxic roles:
   In most abusive narcissistic families, there are toxic roles for every family member which includes child roles: the golden child "who is my favorite and better than my other children, who can do no wrong, who deserves a lot more than my other children, who puts me first, and who I can brainwash with ease" and a scapegoat child "who is my least favorite child, who is smart and creative but cannot seem to be talked into anything, who is burden-some and reject-able, and who is not afraid of me enough so points out flaws within me and with our family" ... and usually a spouse who is idealized as "my wonderful husband who will do what I want and expect him to do, who will give me what I want, who will make my life into a fairy-tale-come-true, who will be my 'knight in shining armor', who will let me take advantage of him, who will put me on a pedestal, who will tolerate me having an affair (at least once, but I'll keep testing his tolerance), who will tolerate being punished by me if he doesn't do what I want, who will put me first at all times, who will stand by me even when I'm evil, who will let me take total charge in running the children's lives, who will let me reprimand him if isn't 'behaving' etc  ... until he's not 'behaving', then he is put in the devalued spouse role: a husband who has smartened up, who no longer seems to accept my lies, a husband who makes me feel terrible and terribly insecure that he will abandon me (therefor I have to have more affairs in case he dumps me ... and I have to make up lies that he's having affairs instead), who I need to make feel insecure in case he leaves me, which I do by rubbing his nose into into the fact that other men want me ... he is turning into someone who is depressed and angry because I hurt him and is no fun any more because of it, and who I am starting to not want because he is so focused on my culpability."
   Basically roles come about because the narcissist is a control-freak and each role he or she assigns is useful to the narcissist: the scapegoats are useful for blame (i.e. to get rid of any potential "bad image" the narcissist might have), golden children are useful for "having a good image", the "idealized husband" is good for the image of "loyal wife who appreciates a husband", "devalued husband" is good for the image of "he's all at fault and I'm the victim" and other men are good for "I'm so desirable, dear husband, have a look! You're not the only fish in the sea!" as well as "My new knight in shining armor who saved me from my 100 percent bad husband."
   And, children see it all! They have to decide whether it is cool or sickening.
   With all of this going on, it can teach children to be non-empathetic too, as well as inauthentic, to only look at and be in relationships to "get", that the only relationships worth having are relationships where you can blame and shame a partner into giving you what you want by threats, having affairs, pitting men against each other (or women, for male narcissists), blame-shifting the dissolution of relationships on to others, blaming and shaming others into compliance. You can't take "anyone's word" because truth simply doesn't exist and is open to interpretation. It can also teach that backstabbing is okay (and acceptable), breaking promises and vows is okay (and acceptable), being a bully is okay (and acceptable).
   If you are in a relationship with a person from a family like this, and you are being treated this way too, it might be worth leaving this person.
   Note: if you are in a relationship with the scapegoat of a family like this, they may have been the one to have been disgusted by these practices (meaning they don't practice these tactics - one main reason why is that they were hurt by them), which is why they are on the outside of family membership. It would be good to talk to them in terms of where they stand morally, how their family effected them, what they want that is different, and if they want a relationship with anyone in their family (abusive family members can effect your children negatively). In the case that the scapegoat wants to move beyond their family, its abusive heritage, and wants to keep the influence of the family out of their lives, you will have some of their wounds to deal with and be compassionate about, but on the whole they are telling you that they don't want their family practices to poison the life they have with you.
* Authoritarian families:
   In authoritarian families the hypocrisies run wild.
   The typical quote of the authoritarian family is that "children should be seen but not heard". The insinuation is that children have no rights (should not speak) while the parents have all of the rights (only do the speaking). When children do not have a voice, it means that they are totally dominated. If the domination includes abuse, it is expected that some of the children will rebel against the abuse and others will not. Domination is so "all-important" that rebellion will be put down by increasing the abuse until it is egregious. "Time outs" in authoritarian families are usually sadistically metered out (extreme), abandonment of children in whole or in part is common, disdain is common. In other words, children are only accepted based on what they can do for the parent, period.
    Since children aren't wind-up dolls, and have minds of their own (something that authoritarian parents abhor), it means that some children will comply (have "appearances" of being complicit including appearing to be a mini-me version of their parent, appearing to parrot the parent, appearing to put the parent first but possibly have agendas of their own outside the parent, appearing to expect to be rewarded for complying, appearing to be 100 percent compliant but being two-faced in a way where docility is "acted" in front of the parent but the child lets out steam against his parent out of view and out of sight, appearing to play dumb when big issues or culpability issues arise, and so many other appearances).
    If you wonder why acting is so prevalent among narcissists, this would be why.
   Authoritarianism distorts childhood and either you grow up too fast or too slow (i.e. being autonomous enough to live without the parent and the parent's influences when you are an adult, which is what maturity means). Scapegoats are often expected to be full autonomous adults by age 14, and golden children are expected to be children and child-like forever (i.e. put the parent first: the parent's feelings, the parent's wants, the parent's dreams, the parent's thoughts and advice, to be dutiful to the parent even in old age and even when the parent acts atrociously ... "and by the way, do not, under any circumstances, talk to your siblings until I say so ... and I get to tell you what to say to them").
   It teaches children that dominating and hurting other people, especially children, the weak, the disabled, the lonely, and the helpless is good and okay. It teaches that acting (and not being authentic) is good and okay. It teaches that bullying people who you feel are weaker than yourself is good and okay.
   If your spouse is treating you badly, he or she may feel that he is or she is higher in "domination stature" than you are, and in order to get you to comply in putting "them first", you will be punished if you do not put them first. An arrogant, admonishing, reprimanding style is what they use to put you in the "down inferior position".
   Authoritarian families are very hierarchical. You will know how high you are on their ladder of hierarchy as to how well or badly they treat you. Egregious abuse = very low. Mostly praise and rewards with some reprimanding here and there = fairly high, but not perfect.
   All of this hierarchical "stuff" should not damage your self esteem because it is all self serving on their part. It is done without compassion, empathy and it is bullying. It is extremely liable to become a highly abusive "system" that had its roots in their family, and has been grounded into them and molded into their brain from birth, where either it is compliance or non-compliance (i.e. your compliance or your rebellion, an either-or ultimatum, which contributes, in part, to their black-and-white, all-or-nothing attitudes and enmesh with me, or be totally discarded by me - neither are healthy for the other person).
* Utilitarian love and love bombing:
   When "I love you" comes from narcissists, it is not love in the way most of us mean it. It is a very shallow kind of love. It is "utilitarian love" as psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula likes to call narcissistic love. It equates to this: if you are useful to them, you are loved. If you are not useful to them, you are not loved by them. There isn't all that much more to it.
   Narcissists tend to view people as more closely related to objects than the rest of the population. A good example would be to compare people with a toy: as long as the toy is useful, and it winds up the way it "is supposed to", the narcissist plays. If the toy is not useful, it is thrown away, or it is pounded to get it to work again. So toys that aren't "acting right" (programmed the way the narcissist wants, which has everything to do with the roles the narcissist gives to people closest to them), then the toy is either destroyed or thrown away.
   In the following case a man is expecting a woman to provide sex at any time he wants, or she is thrown away or destroyed. "He treated me like a piece of meat" is the complaint you will hear from women who are put into sex roles.
   In the case of a child, the child may be put into the role of something to do with the household. So let us say he has been put into the role of emptying the garbage. But he does not want to be put into that role all of the time. So let us say he either rebels against being put into that role all of the time, or he gets sick with the flu and does not feel well enough to put the garbage out, or he has been diagnosed with a disability somewhere down the line, or he has an important school assignment and forgets to take the garbage out. The parent goes into a rage about the garbage not being taken out. And the circumstances for "why" don't matter to the narcissist (narcissists are primarily known for lack of empathy so it is common for them not to allow mitigating circumstances, plus they are also noted for being controlling and putting control above a child's welfare, and if that wasn't enough, they are also known to get into rages about things most of us would find to be inconsequential). Roles aren't about "why" and "why not". They are only about expectations of the narcissist. The problem with narcissistic roles is they have expectations that you will perform your role to perfection too, and for that reason, it typically leads to child abuse too.
   The child is either destroyed or thrown away for not "being in role". "You weren't perfect enough to keep around" or "You aren't perfect enough, so perhaps if I stomp on you and shake you up like a toy, you'll work a little better for me."
   The child is seen as something to conquer: conquer his will, conquer his career, conquer his marriage, conquer his wife, conquer putting doubts in his head about others around him, and if he isn't in role, starve him out, ignore him, kill his self esteem and then "maybe he will act like the wind-up doll I can control", thinks the narcissist - I think most of us find that thinking to be highly immoral.
   We know that narcissists don't grieve all that much when they lose relationships whether it is spouses or children. Love is a momentary thing, a shallow thing, not something that lasts. That is why marriage and marriage vows aren't taken seriously by them unless they are "religious narcissists" or "traditionalist narcissists". That is why they have estranged children or a child. That is why they get over their old relationships so easily. That is why they remarry in record time. That is why they are going on vacations and cruises so soon afterward with a new lover or a golden child, depending on whether they dumped a spouse or a child. That is why they don't care about the people they left behind. That is also why they get over the death of their children who commit suicide (often seen by their family members, but they will fake cry for the public at a funeral - as reported by child abuse survivors, which I will cover at some point).
   Love bombing is about idealizing (until they can find something to devalue and discard you about). Love bombing is about flattering you and mirroring your perspectives, likes and dislikes. Love bombing is about drawing you in with flattery, sweet nothings, and when they are bored or you aren't acting enough like a robot or a toy for them, and performing roles they have given you, discarding or destroying you.

The Cultural Issue:

When you grow up in a narcissistic society you are going to have a lot of dichotomies:

* people who are super rich and want more power and domination over others, and people who are poor and can barely feed their kids or put a roof over their heads.

* people who don't value empathy and compassion versus people who put a high value on empathy, community well being/health, and compassion ("might is right" and "every man for himself" versus "we are all in this together" and "everything we do effects someone else")
* "worship me, my wealth and my domination-over-you cult" versus "stop trying to steamroll me into poverty and slavery revolution"  

* people who take advantage of others and people who are of service to others 

* people who steal and people who give away

* people who want the status quo to own most of the wealth in the USA, and people who want wealth spread to all citizens in an even manner

* people who want to brainwash, people who refuse to be brainwashed
* people who love narcissists and narcissistic values, and people who are horrified by it
* people who want narcissists as their leaders, and people who want empaths as their leaders
* people who like investigative reporting and people who like "news as opinion"

Again, it is about a dichotomy of values and morals.   

We know that the rates of narcissism in adults is going up (in America). We also know that domestic violence is going up too (America).

My own personal view is that we have a society (American) that is incredibly tolerant of narcissistic tactics: lies, misinformation, gaslighting, word salad arguments, cruelty, hypocrisy, the slandering of other people, black and white thinking, worshiping false heroes, insults, favoritism and nepotism, "me first" over community welfare, erroneous blaming, erroneous prejudice ("I shot him because he looked at me funny" or "I shot him because he was running and I thought maybe he was running away from a crime"), invalidating (i.e. invalidating expertise, research, science, i.e. the anti-intellectualism culture of invalidating others who are experts, who research, who prefer science ... which leads to expertise not mattering, truth not mattering to the point where truth is defined as opinion and not research and data, and the display of ineptitude as perfectly fine and status quo).

Then there are constant shouts of "fake news" which can be a gaslighting strategy to fool others into believing news is just about opinions.

On top of it all, there is more blaming and shaming going on now than ever before: everything happening in the world is all someone else's fault, right?

Blaming and shaming leads very quickly to phobias: xenophobia and prejudicy, misogyny and cultural wars specifically.

Blaming and shaming can be effective in terms of brainwashing, but true intellectuals and moral people will always be fighting against it, which is why many toxic psychopathic authoritarian nations either kill off their intellectuals (as in Cambodia), or they threaten them, or make them disappear without a trace. Or they take away education as a right. You cannot gaslight a population when everyone is smart and likes to examine all sides of an issue.

Blaming and shaming is only effective when most of the people around you, including the community you live in has integrity, treats you and others with regard, civility, respect, kindness, empathy and they aren't hypocrites (in other words: "Can they take the pain they dish out?" - if they can't, that is a sign of entitlement). -- Unless, of course, you have been brainwashed?

Do we want a nation of "special people" who are not accountable to rules and laws, or do we want a nation of "We are equals"?

So what does all of the tolerance of immorality suggest about people? That they are tolerant ultimately of narcissism and psychopathy? The clinical definitions of it (characteristics) are there, plus the tactics (most of all, gaslighting). When did gaslighting become such a huge popular American pastime? When divorces went up in the 1970s? When the "Gaslight" movie debuted in 1944? Did people see that movie and say, "Oh, cool! I'll have to use that on my spouse! And while I'm at it, on my children too! And maybe on everybody I meet!"

Constant immorality is a sign of a culture bending towards narcissism, whether we like it or not. Does narcissism care about the pain of others? Not at all. Real flesh-and-blood malignant narcissists will mostly discard if you are going through hard times, or if they aren't too far on the cruelty scale they will try to convince you that "You brought it on yourself"). Hrrmmmph. Poverty? "You brought it on yourself." Got raped or had to endure years of childhood sexual abuse? "Maybe you were wearing sexy clothes for a nine year old. Maybe in that way you brought it on yourself, and besides who cares ..." Your mother cheated on your father with numerous men? "Everyone breaks promises and marital vows these days! Who cares! Only throwback empaths care!" Homeless veteran? "PTSD does not concern me." Cannot afford health insurance? "Every man for himself. You'd be a good one to scapegoat. It is obviously a sign of weakness and weak people are good for all of us to blame." All of these answers add up to narcissism.

So morals are going "to hell in a hand basket" in this country and everyone knows it. So many people are crying about their wounds (in private, to therapists, in forums, in comments on narcissism videos, on facebook, in war torn countries where children are getting their drinking supplies from mud puddles, in self help groups where women talk about enduring sexual slavery as children and how it still effects them in their sixties, with friends and family members, in forums about finances about how their tax dollars are going to fund billionaires and giant corporations while they can barely keep their kids in clothes). So much suffering! But narcissism turns its back on all of it and says, "I don't care! I only care about myself! I don't want to hear any more drama about your pain!"

Which means that the culture has decided that it is cool to be narcissistic, to not be empathetic and insult or laugh at people who are hurt or disenfranchised instead.

Have you ever noticed that narcissists think bullies are the sane people in their families and in society, and that empathetic people are insane? In fact empathetic people are often told they need counseling, that they are not normal or acting right, that they are obsessed with other people's wounds and their own wounds, that they should be "thinking happy thoughts." In homes with child abuse in it, children get beat up and reprimanded for having feelings, any feelings. They are sometimes derided: "Poor baby! Cry, cry, cry!" And if you are happy instead, and plan a beautiful wedding, they get insecure and call all of the relatives and tell them to boycott it because you are such a bad child. You need to be punished! It's the good 'ol double bind game of narcissism.

As more people are brought up this way, and see their nation headed this way, the less people will care about others.

Elderly? "You're on your own. You're useless to society now. We're paying a lot of money to keep you in your life of entitlement when it could be going to our kids instead! Selfish bastards who wrecked the economy, voted for sleazy misogynists and racists, who sold the country to an oligarchy, and never cared about their young! Child abusers!"

Child? "I don't care about you! I never wanted children anyway! You're a big burden around my neck! Why don't you do us a favor and run away, you big cry baby! Tomorrow you're going to Day Care for 12 hours because I can't stand the sight of you! In fact, maybe you should live there! I don't have time for this!"

So this is what the nation has come to. Child abuse is sky high, sexual trafficking of minors as young as seven years old is up, way up, elderly parents are abandoned, children and grandchildren are abandoned, children's interaction is with screens a lot more than people, siblings are pitted against each other where the bully child wins and is rewarded (because again, the country is enthralled with narcissism and narcissists, as if siblings should be in a gladiator game), the wife has an affair and can't make up her mind which man she will go with and the bully wins there too (because bullies are the great cultural "norm" now, as if affairs should be part of gladiator games too), the abandoning, estranged family is "the new cool" trend, stonewalling and violence in relationships is shrugged off, not having feelings (yours: "be sure to numb them or you will be punished"), keeping horrific family secrets behind thick doors in a suburban neighborhood with lawns spread big enough so that neighbors won't hear the cries, the slaps and hits, the drunken-ness, the incest, the swearing and insults being bandied about all day long by all generations, the constant battles about who should be respected and who gets to dominate, the fistfuls of money going to nebulous narcissistic pastimes and politicians who talk about being concerned about citizens in a monotone drone.

After becoming a narcissistic nation and society, the brilliant next step (said tongue-in-cheek) is to be a sociopathic nation or a psychopathic nation. Go around and kill innocents or be killed, yes? (- again said sarcastically). Take over everything. Steal another nation or be stolen from. You're going to have to be psychopathic yourself to endure it all. No civility allowed! No politeness! No caring attitudes if you are lying on the battlefield wounded. It's every man for himself. - again, my sarcasm.

But isn't this the way the world is going anyway, isn't this the world we are slowly building for ourselves?

And by the way, after watching so many moving picture series that depicted "just that", it will be like going back to the B.C. days up to about the World War II. This should prove we are devolving as a species, not evolving.

And with this present pandemic of "social distancing" and a political system that never prepared itself for a pandemic and never stashed away money for a disaster, I wouldn't be surprised if what ever remains left of a polite society and the wealth it used to have doesn't just disintegrate in the next few years. In a society that doesn't even care about its own children (why child abuse is way up), it isn't fit to care about anyone.

To not care about children, means also to not care about the child within us. When we are childlike and helpless or sick or old, we are thought of as unworthy of compassion if we are in a narcissistic society. We have paved the way for our own abandonment. Narcissists do not care about the weak; in fact they look at weakness as something to abuse and take advantage of. When a narcissist brings up a child to abuse, to dominate and turn into a failing misery, he chooses what he believes to be the weakest child. So if you teach bullying by example in your household, children-turned-adults will either be bullies too to those who are weak (including the elderly).

The other problem is that too many children are brought up by brainwashing memes: "You brought this upon yourself." "Only throw-back empaths would care." "When you are weak is the time attack!" 

When times are tough, narcissists either go up in value (conquerors), or down in value. What is pretty clear is that the best survivors of disasters are usually in the 25 - 40 age group, with strong muscles, the best immunity systems, the best brains, the best in terms of ability to fight in battles, the best in being able to work long hours, the best at being able to pro-create, the best at being able to be self sufficient, the best at being able to strategize and create - they will have the best chance at survival.

If they were brought up by narcissistic parents, they won't care about the suffering of others (for the mini-me bullies) or they will be suffering too much themselves to be of much service (for the victims).

If they were brought up by empaths, however, they will care about the suffering of others. A nation that doesn't care about the suffering of its citizens is a nation that will either fall apart from within, or fall apart because very few of its members will be invested in defending it (the corruption is too rampant): the Vietnam War might be a prime example.

IT IS PARTLY ABOUT TRAUMA ANS/OR PTSD

If you are with an abuser or abusers for a long time, who practiced a lot of abuse tactics (tactics are in the right hand column of this blog), and especially verbal abuse, emotional bullying, splitting (Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde behaviors), punishing behaviors, and the silent treatment with stonewalling, people who insist on getting their way all of the time, and you suffered over the relationship for a long period, you are likely to get PTSD.

One of the first emerging symptoms of PTSD is hypervigilence with sleep disturbances. Sleep disturbances manifest as nightmares, inability to fall asleep, inability to sustain sleep (sleeping less than 6 - 8 hours a day), feeling hyper-alert when you do sleep (waking easily from a little noise or from someone going to the bathroom), feeling jumpy or having a headache when you do awake. And by the way, it is at this stage that PTSD should be addressed.

However, severe PTSD often means 2 - 3 hours of sleep with nightmares mixed with depression. If you are living with only these numbers of hours of sleep, I wouldn't be surprised if you also have or had:
* blistering headaches
* stomach aches or nausea with little desire to eat (or alternatively, insatiable hunger)
* muscle aches
* heart arrhythmia
* possibly even a developing auto immune disorder
* possible hallucinations (lack of sleep will cause hallucinations in anyone, even the most stalwart among us).
* the replaying of events (and in a society that is too narcissistic and sociopathic, there does not seem to be a satisfactory resolution much of the time, adding to the replaying of events)

There are a lot more symptoms, but these top the list.

The last one (replaying of events) is a PTSD reaction, not a self-generated one. So if someone asks you why you can't move on, why you can't forget, why you can't seem to resolve it in your mind, it is the result of PTSD (tied to hypervigilence).

A lot of abusers will tell you that you are going mad when you have PTSD (it's part of their isolating strategy, trying to invalidate what you say as "a crazy mind", also called a gaslighting strategy - the link on gaslighting takes you to my review of the "Gaslight" movie which shows you how it is all implemented), but what is really happening is that you are traumatized.

PTSD can happen to anyone, even to people in horrific car accidents. However, long lasting PTSD, often referred to as C-PTSD, happens when someone is in abusive relationships for too long, or has grown up with child abuse, or has endured years of sexual abuse or sexual slavery, or is in a war too long. The brain is incapable of dealing with constant attacks and onslaught, so part of it shuts down (hippocampus) and part of it lights up and becomes hyper alert and sensitive (the amygdala) - and yes, PTSD can be a permanent state, with ebbs and flows, the ebbing only possible in calm, stable environments with calm, stable people.

Also the number of experiences of trauma can make PTSD worse, and the trauma sufferer less able to deal with people and situations where triggering the trauma might be happening or likely, one reason you don't want to bully someone with PTSD.

Empaths will be sensitive enough to respect the request "not to bully." People with high traits of narcissism and psychopathy will not only be incredibly insensitive, they will look at it as an easy avenue for bullying; it is something to take advantage of. A lot of PTSD survivors end up with abusive people because abusive people are usually super-attracted to people with PTSD, especially sufferers who are empathetic: perpetrators look at victims of trauma as the love of their life, someone to fulfill all of their "I dominate-you-constantly-and-forever-fantasies", someone to gaslight, shame and to take advantage of.

As I said, the societal attitudes about PTSD don't help. Look at how our veterans are treated: as if the many who are homeless will make them less traumatized: wrong approach. Being an active citizen requires less trauma, not more trauma, and homelessness makes them vulnerable to more trauma. Having an uncaring, kick-the-sufferers-to-the-curb society is about the worse thing you should do for the country, not just the sufferer. The nation is likely to get worse for people to live in, not better, especially if you want to count on soldiers to defend the country. How can they when they see vets treated badly and their concerns not addressed? But we live in a narcissistic, often sociopathic "I don't care" society. So soldiers' PTSD is not addressed except through counseling (I'm someone who does not believe counseling solves everything, just as counseling cannot solve bigotry - in most ways ignoring PTSD and the suffering that brought it about has more of a bigotry response - they are caused by lack of empathy in the society, and it is truly sad that the only empathy available is "paid-for-empathy" via counselors).

WHY THE "WHY ANSWERS" FROM ABUSERS

CAN MAKE YOU FEEL MORE TRAUMATIZED

AND RUMINATING

If you get answers, they are likely to either be gaslighting answers, verbal abuse answers, blame shifting answers or blackmail answers.

 Gaslighting answers are (some instances):

* "You know why! What's the matter with you!"

* "If you weren't so crazy, you would get it, but that mind of yours, is, well..."

* "You can't be serious! After all you have done!" And they don't tell you "all that you have done" or it is another gaslighting answer like: "That expression you gave me!" or "You're ungrateful" or "You brought this upon yourself" or "I just want some peace" or "You create drama".

None of the answers bring satisfaction.

Verbal abuse answers are (some instances):

"You're a pig and I can't stand you!"

"If you're going to make me talk about this, then I'm getting out and you're going to get your sorry ass out of here! And take your sniveling brat with you!"

"I really never did give a f$ck about you! You're some winded up piece of crap!"

"F$ck you! You're like a tarantula! All you want to do is talk to me about this f$cked up sh&t and suck the living daylights out of me with answers you can't possibly comprehend somehow! If you want to be with me, then learn how to behave! You should know when to shut up!"

These answers won't really answer the question "why" either.

Blame-shifting answers (some instances):

"You know what you did to me. You need to take responsibility for this. Surely you know that this ALL your fault!"

"Why do you blame me for trying to take our daughter away! You take our daughter away!"

"You need to take the blame for this whole thing now!"

"I don't feel like answering unless you can take responsibility for this whole mess that was created between us." - even when they are having an affair (it happens!)

"You know you caused me to cheat!"

Blackmail answers are (some instances):

"I'll answer if you come back to me, sleep with me, give me what you owe me, and won't leave. And how dare you talk to my ex-wife! You are never to do that again! Do you hear me loud and clear? Do you? Do you?"

"I'll answer if you give me the house in the divorce."

"I'll tell you. But you have to agree to meet me by the cliff." - especially when he's tried to push you off the cliff before.

"I'll tell you, but you need to shut your mouth after this. Do you agree to that?"

The thing is, blackmail creates a feeling of mistrust as to the other person's intentions. These aren't the kind of orders you want to follow anyway, and they will most likely result in the answering styles above: gaslighting answers, verbal abuse answers and blame shifting answers. The blackmail offer you should accept from them is them going to domestic violence therapy, but abusers never offer it.

If they told the truth, it would sound like this:

* "I needed to file for divorce because I'm so insecure and I was going to see if you would come running back to me."

* "I needed to have affairs with x, y and z because I feel powerful then. Like I can wrap women around my pinky. "

* "I needed to control you because I don't feel good (grandiose enough) unless I am controlling other people."

* "I needed to blow up at you when you criticized me so that you wouldn't do it again, because underneath it all, I know I haven't treated you well and I don't like to be reminded of it."

* "You weren't offering me enough narcissistic supply, whereas Mr. Sociopath came on so strong! He really wanted me! I had to have someone who seemed to worship the ground I walked on!"

* "I needed to beat you up because I feel that dominating you and causing you pain is the only way I can get what I want out of you."

But they will never tell you any of these things (they are allergic to shame). So they put you in the dark about it all and blame/shame instead.

It is kind of pointless to ask "why" for these reasons. Some domestic violence therapists may encourage you to ask "why" through e-mail or cell phone if only to get information that can help you to stay safe, and to help you figure out what you are dealing with.  

So know that "why" is often extremely unsatisfying when it comes to a real answer. The good part is that since you know they won't tell the truth, it helps you get over the constant rumination of it. When you understand that narcissists (and other types of abusers) are validation-seeking and that they practically live full time for triangulation and dominance, the "why" should not make much difference one way or the other. 

Further reading:

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Myths (Despite the plethora of research surrounding Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, there are many popular Posttraumatic Stress Disorder myths. It is important to correct the public’s understanding. In addition, there is often stigma attached to PTSD for many people, causing maltreatment and prejudice) - PTSD Alliance

* Understanding the Stigma Around PTSD and How to Overcome Barriers to Care - by Julie Revelant and medically reviewed by Kathryn Keegan, MD for Everyday Health

* The Link Between Racism and PTSD (A psychologist explains race-based stress and trauma in Black Americans) - by Monnica T Williams Ph.D. for Psychology Today

* The Best Ways for People With PTSD to Reduce Stigma (Getting mental health treatment can help) - by Matthew Tull, Ph.D. for VeryWellMind

PTSD: National Center for PTSD - opens to page on stigma

* Rethinking Rumination - by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Blair E. Wisco and Sonja Lyubomirsky for PubMed.gov - offers a lot of other links to other pertinent articles on the subject

* Hooked on a Feeling: intrusive and ruminative symptoms in PTSD - by Kate Dahldren for Emotion, Brain, & Behavior Laboratory

* "Dwelling in the Past": The Role of Rumination in the Treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder - by Aileen M. Echiverri, Jeff J. Jaeger, Jessica A. Chen, Sally A. Moore, and Lori A. Zoellner for U.S. National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health

* Cognitive Processing of Traumas: The Role of Intrusive Thoughts and Reappraisals - by Melanie A. Greenberg (the whole article is not on-line, but worth reading, and can be found in the "Journal of Applied Social Psychology", Volume 25, Issue 14, 1995)

* Violence transformed: Posttraumatic growth in survivors and their societies - by Richard G. Tedeschi (the whole article is not on-line, but worth reading, and can be found in "Aggression and Violent Behavior", Volume 4, Issue 3, 1999) 

* Ruminative coping as avoidance (A reinterpretation of its function in adjustment to bereavement) - by Margaret Stroebe, Paul A. Boelen, Marcel van den Hout, Wolfgang Stroebe, Elske Salemink and Jan van den Bout for European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience

* Attachment Styles and Personal Growth following Romantic Breakups: The Mediating Roles of Distress, Rumination, and Tendency to Rebound - by Tara C. Marshall, Kathrine Bejanyan, Nelli Ferenczi

* 12 Thoughts For Moving Past Betrayal, Trauma and Rumination (A client story and a path to recovery) - by Carrie Barron, M.D. for Psychology Today

* How to stop ruminating thoughts - from the staff at Medical News Today

* Types pf Re-Experiences in PTSD - by Matthew Tull, Ph.D. for VeryWellMind

* How to Anticipate and Manage PTSD Intrusive Thoughts - by Matthew Tull, Ph.D. for VeryWellMind

* Tips for PTSD Survivors to Cope With Upsetting Memories - by Matthew Tull, Ph.D. for VeryWellMind

* Understanding PTSD in Children - by Matthew Tull, Ph.D. for VeryWellMind

* Dealing With PTSD in Your Family - by Matthew Tull, Ph.D. for VeryWellMind

* Narcissistic Victim Syndrome - by Katie Sanford, LPCC, CCPS-C for the Banyan Therapy Group (note: this syndrome is PTSD)

* SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE SYNDROME - by Rosglasrecovery.com

* Narcissism - from Wikipedia

* Are Narcissists and Sociopaths Increasing? (There are plenty of signs in the workplace, relationships and criminal behavior) - by Bill Eddy LCSW, JD for Psychology Today

* The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement - by Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell

* Mapping the scale of the narcissism epidemic: Increases in narcissism 2002–2007 within ethnic groups - by Jean M. Twenge and Joshua D. Foster (the whole article is not on-line, but worth reading, and can be found in the "Journal of Research in Personality", Volume 42, Issue 6, 2008)

* The Narcissism Epidemic - a C-Span video with Jean M. Twinge author of  The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement

* The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in an Age of Diminishing Expectations - a book by Christopher Lasch (I actually met him in my early twenties at a conference)

* Researchers say we have a 'narcissism epidemic'. So what's causing it? - by Teodora Zareva for Big Think

* Why We Elect Narcissists and Sociopaths―and How We Can Stop - by Bill Eddy LCSW, Esq.

* How our society and culture rewards Narcissists - by Alexander Burgemeester for Lust for Life

* It is high time you stopped playing an empath to a narcissist (An empath is one who unknowingly takes the tantrum and rubbish from a narcissist) - by the staff at The Economic Times

The Treason of the Ruling Class (They have destroyed our capitalist democracy and replaced it with a mafia state) - by Chris Hedges for Common Dreams

* Malignant Narcissism: Concealed Side of Psychopathy - by Saeed Shoja Shafti, Professor of Psychiatry, University of Social Welfare and Rehabilitation Sciences, Razi Psychiatric Hospital, Iran

* The 7 Things That Only Narcissists Will Do (6. They assume everyone adores them) - by
Amy Morin for Psychology Today

* Do Narcissists Actually Lack Empathy? (An unwillingness to empathize is different than being unable to do so) - by Mary C. Lamia Ph.D. for Psychology Today

* Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Know someone who expects constant admiration, who thinks they’re better than everyone else, but flies off the handle at the slightest criticism? These tips can help you recognize and cope with a narcissist) - by Melinda Smith, M.A. and Lawrence Robinson for HelpGuide

* Dear Therapist: I Still Obsess About My Ex From a Decade Ago (I’m 40 now, and I feel like a fool.) - by Lori Gottlieb for The Atlantic